How to Escape your Kidnapper’s Basement | Do’s and Don’ts

Have you found yourself involuntarily held in a stranger’s basement or cellar? Are your chains and shackles becoming a bore? Have you finally decided it time to leave the confines of your cell and reconnect with friends and loved ones? Then read on for our tips and tricks to escaping your kidnapper’s basement!

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Do Scream yourself silly

Probably the most immediate reaction you’ll have—save for the pain sensors scrambling across your body—is an instinct to scream yourself hoarse. This is, ultimately, a waste of time and will simply serve to irritate the person who has captured you. Instead, try to mentally list all of the horror movies you’ve seen in a pathetic, but ironic attempt at indifference to your situation.

 Do Fall for your captor

Don’t be shy; your kidnapper is keeping you in the basement for a reason. Sure, it could be that they despise you and everything you stand for… or, quite the opposite, that they are dangerously obsessed with you. If so, score! Granted, falling in love with a gnarly-faced redneck might seem difficult at first, but wait patiently for the onset of Stockholm Syndrome and that scarred jawline will quickly look chiseled and masculine. Congratulations on your love match.

 Don’t Pray

Obviously the most pointless of suggestions, but worth a go when all is lost. What’s that? “But Jesus put me in this situation in the first place!” you cry through a muffled gag. Well, yes, but you know as well as all of us the sins committed while you were free. Perhaps this is an ethereal form of justice. If not, well, we guess you’re not one of the Chosen.

Do Accept your fate

You have shelter over your head, don’t you? You’re being fed, if only out of a dog bowl. Complaining will get you nowhere, so best settle in, behave, and maybe the offender upstairs will purchase you a portable television.

Don’t Attack your kidnapper

An impossible dream, like a career in acting, but worthy of fantasizing about nonetheless. Of course, if you are shackled to the wall or physically weaker than your opponent, this will more than likely end in a smack or, slightly worse, with the removal of one of your extremities. You could always try insulting the beast with words, but he may end up forcing sticks and stones down your throat. If that’s a risk you’re willing to take, all power to you.